The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

Yes, it is coming.  The Apocalypse.  Armageddon.  The End of the World as we know it.  You don’t believe me?  Check out this actual news story:

 ‘Jeopardy!’ contestant lucks out after 2 baffling final wagers

I know, it’s just Yahoo™ Entertainment, but still, c’mon, that just isn’t newsworthy.

Or how about this from the Associated Press?

Florida woman surprised by uninvited iguana, in her toilet

Now, I don’t want every news story to be gloom and doom (although most of today’s news is doom and gloom), but nor do I think we should be parading our vapidity across the Innerwebs.  This stuff contributes to the general demise of brain cells we have been collectively suffering lately.

I know, the news is full of stories about “Florida man” and “Ohio man” – typically about some boneheaded move that one would usually associate with a total idiot.  You know, “Florida man shoots self in foot trying to kill a cockroach” or “Ohio man charged with burglary after taking television from police station.”  That kind of stuff. 

I know you read that stuff and thought “well, that certainly represents a small part of the population.”  That’s a reasonable response.  But it’s wrong.

Check out the burgeoning list of winners for the 2022 Darwin Awards.  This is not an anomaly –  check out the 2021 winners

Remember that the Darwin Awards recognize those that did us all a favor and removed their genes from the gene pool through some sort of monumental brain fart.  My all-time favorite is the guy who wanted to repair some shingles on his roof.  Fearful of falling, he tied a rope around his waist and then the other end around the back bumper of the car in the driveway.  He went up the ladder, over the crest of the roof to work on the downside.  About 10 minutes into his work, his wife left the house, jumped in the car, and headed to the store.  To this day, I get a real chuckle when I wonder what that guy was thinking as he was launched off his roof.

I do understand that no one, including me, wants to be judged by their most dimwitted or idiotic act.  But my guess is that a fair number of Darwin Award “winners” are serial offenders.  Kinda like quotes from Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert.  It was not and is not just ‘one time.’

Let me nominate some folks for a Darwin Award. 

A recent poll indicated that only 18 percent of those surveyed want Joe Biden to run for President in 2024, while 28 percent want Donald Trump to run (assuming he isn’t indicted and/or convicted).  28 percent!

My first though was wait, what?  Now, I agree that Biden is not the most dynamic dude ever to hold the office of President, but really?  Biden is the guy who insisted on putting money in the pocket of every low-income household during the pandemic, delivered a $1.2 trillion infrastructure package that will produce jobs and improve our electric grid and roads and bridges, is committed to combatting climate change, has stayed any federal executions and is against a federal death penalty, has seen unemployment drop to levels not seen in 50 years, and overall is a decent human being with real empathy for working people. But fewer people want to see him run than Trump?! 

I would enumerate Trump’s accomplishments if I could really think of any, but I cannot.  I can give Trump credit for giving white supremacist, antisemitic, conspiracy thinking, armed nutcases the freedom to act on their utmost desires, but beyond that, I draw a complete blank as to why more people would want to see this corrupt, crude, philandering, serial adulterer, fascist meat sack run for President rather than everyman Joe Biden.

As the Capitol Steps would say, the “storal of this mory” is that the not-so-bright walk among us every day.  What Jesse Ventura once said about professional wrestling fans is applicable here – “the only problem is that they can vote, and they can breed.”  That’s why I am nominating these folks with the hope that their stupidity somehow, someway, results in diminishing their procreative powers.  We do not need more of these people, rather, we need drastically fewer of them.

Admittedly, polls are not always right, and neither are the results of a Presidential election that puts the candidate with fewer votes into office.  But to avoid a total apocalypse, we got to get the right folks (i.e., the non-Darwin Award nominees) to vote en masse.

One thought on “The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

  1. Danny, the Darwin Awards are an all time favorite of mine. You might want to check out the IgNobel Awards if you haven’t already. Conor is still laughing over some of the entries of past winners. I realize that this response is totally ignoring the more serious aspect of your rant, but I will leave that to other folks.

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